Anthonyli88’s Blog

Sometime Late Jan (Raining/cold afternoon)

A particularly cold Chinese New Year I would say. Maybe the degree of coldness of this CNY celebration is as cold as the weather outside as I am writing this! By referring to the degree of frost, reality has never been so real! No signs of many relatives, just a few conversations with my cousin and a few well cooked dishes of CNY specialities. What’s making it worse? Guess what?!?! The conversations with my cousin was made over MSN. Not face to face!

The annual celebrations where huge numbers of people gather to celebrate, do some catch up with distant relatives and most importantly enjoy the festive mood are mere memories of the past glorious events now. It is apparent to me that in this world where people’s connections are so intricate that an individuals social path can affect a whole social group like in the case of this CNY celebrations. Just to give any reader insight into my current family tree activities. The cause of such an issue was not the result of a few days of conflict but a few months of constant “warfare” over my grandfather. That is the most I can reveal as an individual from this social group because I can understand that no one person involved in this would lile me to do the action of airing their dirty linens in public.

The soul finds it a crime to desecrate happy family reunions by direct or indirect sabotage.

310109(Friday evening/sunny)

My tour at the student care centre was something that allowed me to develop my teaching skills, classroom management skills, leadership skills and thinking skills. I had began my work there with a lot of positive thoughts and expectations for my work. However, the place was hardly the kind of place which was conducive for learning and improving ones character. There are many reasons why up till today I think it is so. Firstly, the supervisor of the centre will never do her part of bringing the students under control because she is imply incapable of doing it. Secondly, the students’ behavior was simply atrocious. Kids as young as 8 years old can utter vulgarities without any reservations. They totally don’t give a damn about authority and they are extremely spoilt. Thirdly, the working environment simply cannot support my attempts to change this environment. Every single day, I feel like fighting a war that I can never win. I cannot bring myself to continue at such a course of work when my friend offered me a path of education and work which i strongly endorse personally. Hence, my final decision to quit or more formally correct- to submit my resignation from this place of work.

Obviously, despite the negativity I brought along with me when i quited the job, I still do miss some of my students there which i fear over time will be corrupted by the rest. I can only pray that this group of students can develop into great men and women that can discern right from wrong and understand their true purpose in life.

The soul is saddened by the fact that I surrendered to this group of young barbarians and I failed to reform them due to circumstances.

010109(Thursday morning/ rainy weather)

I still can vividly remember the day when I switched on my computer and signed in to MSN. A small window opened and declared to me that Mr teh is currrently suffering from last stage cancer. At first, I simply could not bring my self to believed such grave news. Deep inside me,  I hoped it was just another joke from Kok Meng because he loved to joke. Slowly but surely, the hard truth hit me right in the face when I finally called Mr luan, my former chinese teacher. In a blur, memories flew right before my eyes.

4 years back, in the hall of Zhenghua Secondary, when I received my ‘O’ level results…….

5 years back, in the classroom of 4E2……..

6 years back, in the physics laboratory of Zhenghua…….

Suddenly, my soul questioned me, ” When was the last time I saw him?” GOD DAMN IT! I did not even go back. The soul was ashamed.

After comtemplating the possiblilities, I realised that it was best I acted quickly to make sure he can receive a symbol of support and well wishes from his former students. In order to do this, I quicly posted an event on face book and arranged a place for us to meet and discuss the possible plans. To me, I felt the best way was to create an art montage of photos, cards, etc. It was all set and by 030209, we met at Mr luan’s house and proceeded with making arrangements to pass construction paper and materails to all our former classmates to write their feelings and comments on. By 100209, we met a second time and collected back all the well wishes cards, etc.  On 140209, I met Soo pei and Kok Meng to finalize the montage art and I did some touch up. The montage art was a sucess and I have a lot of people to thank for this sucess especially Soo pei and Kok Meng for providing a lot of precious time and effort. the very next day, We talked to our principal at school and we handed over the work to him to pass on to Mr Teh.

I know that what I have done cannot compensate the fact that I never visit him during the past few years although I am the person who organised such a movement of puting all possicle resources together to produce this artwork. I sincerely hope that he can be able to recover and come for our future class gatherings. Mr Teh is a dedicated teacher who has given his whole life to education like many other teachers and, as a teacher to all of  us, his contributions to making us the people we are now are indeed noteworthy. I can only be able to truly understand my feelings to him as a fatherly figure on the day I heard the news. For at that very moment, I felt the world around me shrinking and sinking for a few seconds before I came back to my senses.

This is the cover page of the montage art!

The soul will even treasure people beside him more!

After 2 months + of absence in active blogging, I am finally back. I guess there is a need to update my past actions and movements. So, I my following blogs will be in the following order. First, Mr Teh’s parting gift. Second, my resignation from BCS Fengshan student care as a full time teacher there. Third, chinese new year celebrations. Fourth, nodame cantabile. Fifth, my recent assignments and help from Wei Ming. Sixth, my recent gatherings namely with kevin, former medics from my battalion in army and with Kah Chin at the Cathay cinema at cine leisure.

The Soul is looking back and ensuring all that is worthy of memory is remembered.

011208(monday)

The soul will always remember this date as one of it’s most important day of it’s short stint on earth.

Indeed, this is a very important day and I will celebrate it every year with a moment of self reflection. After that brief moment, I will treat myself and whoever knows how important this date is to a meal if Ican do so. This date has it’s origins all the way back to the faithful day of 011204. I will not explain further.

-AnTz-

241108 (Monday)

I am deeply saddened by my inability to be able to see off Edward on the day of 251108. I knew from the very day I left the BBQ party that it may be the last time I would get a chance to talk to him face to face in a couple of years to come. However, I did not manage to convey many important messages to him that night. I knew I had failed in this aspect. The situation was particularly aggravated when I was reminded by Jason on facebook about the times when we used to play risk together in my bunk in Kranji camp. I sought for a moment to recall those moments I deeply enjoyed. At that very moment while I was writing this post, I felt like crying. I am extremely emotional because my memories remind me of his innocence, his ability to keep his feelings concealed and his ever ready smile in times of adversity (when you joke with him). It is something that will always be deeply embedded in my memories.

The soul will always regret my inability to be there at Edwad’s flight because my friends were there for me when I left for Taiwan!

-AnTz-

The gathering of close friends allows the individual to reminisce those precious moments of great fun and laughter that we used to share when we were young and full of vigour. It is definitely an understatement to say that we have grown old by inferring from the above statement as we have but spent a mere 20 years on the surface of this earth. However, we must always treasure such moments of friendship as we must bear in mind that we may never have a chance to experience this kind of bond ever again in our entire lifespan. Remembering the fact that we are all mortals and made of flesh and blood allows me to understand the greatest enemy in my life is ‘time’ for he slowly denies me the chance to breathe in my next mouthful of fresh air with every second passed as I walked aimlessly towards my unscheduled death in this wilderness  which is full of darkness. This sudden and much welcomed enlightenment that I have conceived during my times of boredom and reflection in national service makes me wonder whether I have taken most of my friends and loved ones for granted. Hence, I look forward to forging a memory of this entity of friends which will remind me of their existence and the warmth I have felt whenever I am with them. I must thank them for making me feel that I will no longer walk alone in this darkness for they are my fire who will bring light and warmth to my ever changing path. I thank god for giving me such gifts in life to accompany me on my journey to join him in his home.

The soul understands this instinctively unknowingly to my physical body! It cherishes the fact that we are lucky that me KokMeng and Kah Chin are able to eat together and discuss issues that are both intimate and distant from our hearts on the night of 221108. The soul will also mark the date of the creation of the group ZHSS 4E2 of 03/04 batch as a milestone in that particular class’ life. It recognises that those are the people that I have sorely/solely missed and neglected in my past 4 years of hectic life.

Friday (141108)

What a memorable night at the east coast park at marine parade!

In my last two years, I and my comrades had very little to celebrate since our enlistment into army. In order to mark the end of a phase of our lives, we put together this fantastic BBQ outing. At the same time, we took this opportunity to bid Edward farewell.

The night started off with a massive preparation process for this session. However, I was not present as I was working at Bedok. Regrettably, I haven’t really thank them personally for all the hard work they put it into this BBQ and Edward’s present. Once the real BBQ started, there was much fun and laughter as we took turns interviewing one and another in front of Joewei’s new camera. Occasionally, we made interesting and comical scenes and videos to serve as a tribute to our one and a half years of friendship and brotherhood. Along the way, we had a constant supply of BBQed chicken wings, chicken cutlet and sambal stingray as we continue our process of merrymaking. An unexpected group of people was persent for this event such as Cedric and Xingyang who turned up despite the fact that they are not going to ORD anytime soon. I was extremely glad they could be with us on that day for they had been with us during those defining moments in our national service.

The crescendo of this event was actually that of bidding farewell to Edward. It was an event where tears were shed and emotions ran high. We declared the start of the event by gathering all the people present and demanding a rehearsal of how we are going to give the present to Edward. It was hilarious for me and PCK were humming the music of the military salute as Edward between two rolls of people. As Edward walk in between any pair of friends, we will give him a salute and pull the party poppe5r right in his face. When we actually came to presenting the price to him, all our eyes were red including his eyes. There was a moment of silence as each and everyone of us know in our hearts that we will miss one and another as we walk our seperate ways in  life espeacially Edward who will be flying back to Hong Kong to study there and probably work there in the future.

The soul will be eternally moved by that very moment we bid farewell. Good BYE and take care my friends!

It is unfortunate that the soul is tired. My plans are not really going as per what I want due to many foreseeable yet underestimated circumstances/issues/problems. However, I wish to press on with my plans no matter how hard it is.

“Progress is the creativity of today and the assurance of tomorrow.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have started work at BCCS(Bethesda Community Care Service) as per planned after my stint with the Singapore Armed Forces as a full time national service man. My ORD(operational ready date) is as per expected- a day of many memories as i walked down Cupola Avenue. Certain emotions which I thought I would be able to feel with great intensity were not around such as those of euphoria and jublilance. Instead, all I ever felt on this faithful day of 101108 was this sense of loss. It is like being thrown into a deep jungle in the middle of the night without a compass or a map. However, at that very instant I felt that I was at the same time relieved of the burdens of chains, locks and iron bars of distant concrete jungles. Although the past threatens to haunt me for the next ten years or for the rest of my life both physically, mentally and spiritually, I promise myself solemnly from this moent onwards that I will let the past be left in the shadows of the distant army camps I had visited. It was in those days of darkness that I began hatching the plans of my return to this world of equivalent instability and chaos. Mark my prophetic words! for if I fail, I will never cease to try again and again till the very day I can announce my victory. The only other day I can contemplate of stopping this march is the very day which I can never attempt to continue this pursuit of my dreams because my God has deem it unfit.

My plans nowadays are no doubt merely those of preparation for a larger cause. I must assure that they go through for I am preparing for the opening to execute what I am so determined to do. With preparation, I seek success. Even in failure, I seek to be sure I have done all I can.

I will state this virtue of mine which is essentially described in this quotation of Sir Abraham Lincoln.

“I am not bound to win in what I attempt, but I am a man. I am bound to be true to the best I know. Any departure from this is contemptible cowardice.”

The soul will never give up no matter the length of road or the condition it is in. Let the past be strength and the dream of the future be inspiration!

My soul desires to speak. It wants to tell my friends and those who lay their eyes on this blog about my life. My life is nothing close to interesting. My soul simply offers those around an insight into my deepest thoughts and feelings. Maybe, maybe… … one can infer a few little things from these writtings about the true ‘me’… …

(Am I truly ‘psycho’? Am I truly foolish? Am I exactly the person you see? Is your mind’s eyes fooling you into believing something that is not true about me?)

It is up to you to find out!

-AntZ-